It\u2019s the most wonderful time of the year, and what better way to take a look back at the year in spam than poke a little fun at the moronic state of the crap that invades our inboxes? In a year that saw major security breaches, several high profile botnet takedowns, and an unprecedented surge in personalized scams and mobile spam, we stop to reflect upon it all and submit a simple postulate: what if Dr. Seuss had been a spammer?<\/p>\n

As the year winds down to a close, it\u2019s only basic human nature to look back at the year that just passed and reflect upon it. In the world of spamming and Internet scams, that\u2019s bound to be a painfully long look, since this has been a year fraught with new scams, major cybercrime busts, and unprecedented levels of security threats. With mobile devices providing the newest threat opportunities, and SMS spam picking up a head of steam as scammers get creative, we must be even more vigilant when fighting spam-related threats.<\/p>\n

What\u2019s in store for 2012? One must shudder when imagining the possibilities. If anything like 2011, next year will represent an even more dangerous landscape, cluttered with mines and booby traps the likes of which we\u2019ve never seen.<\/p>\n

Dire prophecies and doomsday mentality aside, it doesn\u2019t hurt to poke fun at spam once in a while, and during the holidays, no one is more fun than the venerable Theodor Seuss Geisel, known to adoring children and former children alike as Dr. Seuss. Like many households, it\u2019s a holiday tradition around here to watch How the Grinch Stole Christmas!<\/em>, an annual ritual which inspired this writer to wonder: what if Dr. Seuss was still with us, and what if, ahem, wait for it\u2026Dr. Seuss was a spammer?<\/p>\n

The thought itself is sure to bring a smile to the face of anyone who has endured the miserable drivel that infests inboxes like brown marmorated stink bugs. Poorly written and replete with ludicrous stories that must have been contrived during bad acid trips, these emails often frustrate us, and occasionally make us smile by virtue of their sheer stupidity. What they do not<\/em> do, however, is give us any confidence that the human race is poised to survive much longer, if this epidemic of oafishness is representative of the current state of the gene pool.<\/p>\n

So without further ado, here\u2019s a humble attempt at imagining what spam might be like, if written by Dr. Seuss:<\/p>\n

Dear stranger, forgive me for this intrusion
\nI hope my letter will ease your confusion.
\nI will not, cannot state it enough
\nThis is rough stuff, even a little tough.
\nThere\u2019s a Libyan prince who lost his good fortune
\nAnd my offer to you is a share of the portion.
\nI cannot get the funds out of my land
\nAnd I hope you will aid me by lending a hand.
\nYou see, there are sums in excess of millions
\nIf you give me your name, I\u2019ll give you gazillions.
\nIt\u2019s okay to give me personal information
\nThey don\u2019t extradite criminals in my tiny nation.
\nYour bank account and credit cards are essential
\nThey\u2019re only for scamming and merely referential.
\nThis is for good cause, I must admit
\nSend money now and show you commit.
\nI do not wish to enter a heated debate
\nSend it fast, send it now, it cannot wait.
\nThe funds are for my stately Kenyan mansion
\nIt\u2019s in great need of a major expansion.<\/p>\n

Happy Holidays to all!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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