If Dr. Seuss Was a Spammer

GrinchHolyFreakingEvilFIt’s the most wonderful time of the year, and what better way to take a look back at the year in spam than poke a little fun at the moronic state of the crap that invades our inboxes? In a year that saw major security breaches, several high profile botnet takedowns, and an unprecedented surge in personalized scams and mobile spam, we stop to reflect upon it all and submit a simple postulate: what if Dr. Seuss had been a spammer?

As the year winds down to a close, it’s only basic human nature to look back at the year that just passed and reflect upon it. In the world of spamming and Internet scams, that’s bound to be a painfully long look, since this has been a year fraught with new scams, major cybercrime busts, and unprecedented levels of security threats. With mobile devices providing the newest threat opportunities, and SMS spam picking up a head of steam as scammers get creative, we must be even more vigilant when fighting spam-related threats.

What’s in store for 2012? One must shudder when imagining the possibilities. If anything like 2011, next year will represent an even more dangerous landscape, cluttered with mines and booby traps the likes of which we’ve never seen.

Dire prophecies and doomsday mentality aside, it doesn’t hurt to poke fun at spam once in a while, and during the holidays, no one is more fun than the venerable Theodor Seuss Geisel, known to adoring children and former children alike as Dr. Seuss. Like many households, it’s a holiday tradition around here to watch How the Grinch Stole Christmas!, an annual ritual which inspired this writer to wonder: what if Dr. Seuss was still with us, and what if, ahem, wait for it…Dr. Seuss was a spammer?

The thought itself is sure to bring a smile to the face of anyone who has endured the miserable drivel that infests inboxes like brown marmorated stink bugs. Poorly written and replete with ludicrous stories that must have been contrived during bad acid trips, these emails often frustrate us, and occasionally make us smile by virtue of their sheer stupidity. What they do not do, however, is give us any confidence that the human race is poised to survive much longer, if this epidemic of oafishness is representative of the current state of the gene pool.

So without further ado, here’s a humble attempt at imagining what spam might be like, if written by Dr. Seuss:

Dear stranger, forgive me for this intrusion
I hope my letter will ease your confusion.
I will not, cannot state it enough
This is rough stuff, even a little tough.
There’s a Libyan prince who lost his good fortune
And my offer to you is a share of the portion.
I cannot get the funds out of my land
And I hope you will aid me by lending a hand.
You see, there are sums in excess of millions
If you give me your name, I’ll give you gazillions.
It’s okay to give me personal information
They don’t extradite criminals in my tiny nation.
Your bank account and credit cards are essential
They’re only for scamming and merely referential.
This is for good cause, I must admit
Send money now and show you commit.
I do not wish to enter a heated debate
Send it fast, send it now, it cannot wait.
The funds are for my stately Kenyan mansion
It’s in great need of a major expansion.

Happy Holidays to all!

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